I wrote most of this a few months ago, but had to return to finish it later:
It's been a while since I've written. I've had a difficult time the past month, dealing with grief, loss, sorrow. I've been going to a new church for the past 6 months. One thing I really appreciate about my church is communion. The time of reflection is always meaningful and what is shared is more often than not something that stays with me throughout the entire week.
For as long as I can remember, I've always had this type of reluctance/anxiety right before 'partaking' with everyone. Having been taught the story of partaking without being in the right place with God, my mind usually flashes back to this lesson (I Cor. 11:23-32), wondering if that's me. Then my mind starts turning. "Do I really grasp what this means?" "Do I understand fully what Jesus did for me?" "Do I have unresolved sin with a brother/sister?"
Because I've asked myself these questions so much, I've come to find myself focusing so hard on the words the facilitator uses when we share in the Eucharist (fancy theological word for the Lord's Supper). I ponder the meaning of what is shared, like something should click. "The body of Christ broken to reconcile us to God and to each other. The blood of Jesus that continually washes us from all unrighteousness."
So, a few weeks ago, it did click. I had been trying to figure out what the difference is between the bread and the wine. I mean, it's all the same meal...it's God forgiving us, and us accepting and acknowledging it, right? But I find myself chewing on these words.
"The body of Christ broken to reconcile us to God and to each other."
"The blood of Jesus that continually washes us from all unrighteousness."
Having written them down, it seems clear as day. But upon reflection...both on the words and on other things I've struggled with/written about in the past...the picture becomes clearer...and a bit more gruesome.
How these two symbols come together to form the most sacred sacrament is beyond any parallel we have on earth. Here we have this strange duality of God displayed for us, as we've seen in scripture. The lion and the lamb...God's judgment and mercy. The two are brought together through the crucifying of Christ.
Reconciliation is achieved first only through judgment and punishment. We focus so much on God's grace and forgiveness. We insist that God chastens and disciplines his children...he does not punish them. This is true, but only for one reason. Christ bore the punishment already. So we see that punishment is necessary. It's part of God's nature. Otherwise, Christ wouldn't have needed to die. Christ didn't need discipline or chastening. The cross was the venue of God's wrath. Anger is real. As humans, we get angry. Anger is an emotion that exists when one is wronged by another. God was wronged by the human race. Every creature he made upon whom he bestowed the choice to love him or betray him.
The pain that God experiences is beyond my comprehension. It's one thing to realize that all sin hurts God. And like the decreased focus on God's wrath, we almost have a decreased focus on our sin against one another. David, speaking of his sin with Bathsheba declares that he has sinned against the Lord, and only against Him (Psalm 51). I've always thought about this in a sense that takes Bathsheba and Uriah out of the picture...that David's sin is against God and only God because He's disobeying God, not Bathsheba nor Uriah. However, I believe that the reason sin hurts God so much is because all sin has negative consequences on God's creation. Most sins outwardly hurt others. Some sins are self-destructive. Either of these scenarios cause God much pain. He cannot bear to see his children, his creation, suffer. Contradictory it may seem, God's dual nature of grace and judgment is actually one in the same. God's judgment is against those who cause destruction and pain towards those He loves. The irony is that since all creation is fallen, none of us deserve this divine retribution on our behalf. In reality, we all deserve to be the object of this retribution. And this is where grace enters.
Because or sin distances us from each other, and from God, we need reconciliation. Christ's broken body is the element that reminds us of how we were reconciled. There's really no room for warm fuzzies. The reality is that Christ was beat and broken and bore the wrath of God and that was the only way anything would be forgiven. This currently is the harder part of communion for me.
The wine (juice) is the element that in a single icon represents life and death. It's the life inside of us, coursing through our veins, supplying our body with all that it needs to function. Yet to see blood, outside of the body, requires it to be missing from where it belongs...thereby resulting in death. This somehow functions as proof, as a reminder, of what was done. Proof that Christ was broken for us. And the cleansing is continual, constantly reminding us and God that His wrath was already poured out on Christ.
